How to Maintain One’s Identity in Your Marriage

Most days, I really love my job.  I feel so honored whenever a couple we are working with reaches their goal and helps to create the marriage of these dreams.  It’s those experiences that keep me going when people and couples are unable to revitalize their relationships.

Recently, I’ve had a couple of clients who are really struggling in their marriages given that they have mislaid who they may be.  Neither one had productive strategies to working with the strength of their partners’ requirements, in order that they found it simpler to cave in.  This only worked in the short term.

A lot is involved with this complete notion of separate vs. together, dependent vs. independent, individual vs. couple that generally seems to define marriage.  While I’m a big proponent of working together and putting the fitness of their bond first, I would not subscribe to a person being subsumed by “the marriage blob”.

By far the very first couples I ever dealt with are an excellent example of what I’m talking about.  Matt arrived and threw himself recorded on my big blue sofa.  He forcefully stated, “Basically do what my spouse wants, she wins.”  My first thought would have been a flippant, “You don’t want a cheerful wife?”  My next, more therapeutic, thought was, “You’ve just set this as a tournament and will never work.”  I could tell he would definitely resist the natural, and needed, technique of becoming interdependent.

Unfortunately, my recent clients’ experiences will be the exact complete opposite of Matt’s.  They tended toward the absorption end of the spectrum.  They have gone much into the joy of dependence looking to appease their partners’ unfair requirements.  As we learned in Wwii, peace at any cost is ineffective.

Marriage success requires knowing when it’s possible to bend and knowing when to stand your ground.  If there is a constant push back up against the pressure to adapt for your partner’s thought processes in addition to their expectations, you may eventually break.  As I’ve said before, you shouldn’t have to discontinue yourself to be happily married.  In fact, if you do, you will in all probability be unhappy.

It also isn’t important to see these manuevers like a conflict or possibly a fight.  You plus your partner have an impression about how exactly you want your marriage to get.  Neither is appropriate.  Neither is wrong.  If you want to become successful, the pair of you must merge the above positions into one you both can hold.  This isn’t feasible in case you throw in the towel being whom you are.  That is just not assimilation.  It’s a surrender that may result in anger and resentment.

Besides, if your partner truly loves you, they don’t really would like you to discontinue being you.  Yes, they could push you towards it.  They might try and cajole, guilt trip, or pout you involved with it.  They may also don’t know that is what they do.  They are just trying to find what to be comfy for them.  Ultimately, are you going to about how exactly you respond.

Being clear about where you can accommodate for your partner’s requests and where you will stand your ground is crucial should you be to engage in a cheerful marriage.  Fighting on your to exist is not needed.  When you accept it as being a birth right, then define and lovingly enforce boundaries to shield that right, there will be no should defend it.  It will simply be described as a statement of fact.

It is usually fair to listen to your partner’s requests and find out where you can accommodate them.  Love means tallying as often that you can.

However, it is rarely okay to get bullied into being someone you aren’t.  Stepping into yourself and claiming your to exist is also loving behavior.

Soul mates honors both the individual along with the relationship. Normally the one cannot exist with no other.  They are, in short, interdependent.

Have you given up section of yourself to be in a partnership?  How does that choice leave you feeling? What would permit you to reclaim that section of yourself?  What is the ultimate cost if you don’t?

Questions about establishing a happier marriage? One of our marriage counseling services can help. See more of Lesli Doares’ inspiring blog articles about  marriage and family life. Visit us at for more information and queries.

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