It is difficult to take care of boundaries around yourself when you feel constant pressure out of your partner to accomplish things their way. I buy that. So, today, I would like to address those overbearing partners. Look, it isn’t that surprising. We all want circumstances to be how we long for them to become, the way that is most comfortable for people.

Lots of people call that selfish. I think of it as being human. (I would be thrilled if everyone did things my way, especially drivers but that’s a rant for an additional day. My problem is which i can’t get anyone else to buy into “Lesli World”.) The challenge of the perspective is wanting to impose “on your path” onto your partner. You could win the battle, but you will in the end lose your marriage.

Reasonable numbers of disagreement and negotiation should be expected inside a marriage. Manipulation and coercion, however, usually are not okay. When you are planning to reach your goals your marriage, you really room for your better half. This implies allowing them to be who they may be and attempt to do those ideas that actually matter for them. Naturally, how frequently the actions occur is subject to legal representative where each your concerns hold equal value.

Several years back, I used to be headed to the gym for the workout. I normally planned to achieve this when it would be least impactful to my children. In fact that this time I used to be going somewhat after usual. Because I was heading over the kitchen, my usually supportive husband said, “Will you a health club NOW?” His tone was higher than a bit for the petulant side.

Luckily, I used to be inside a particularly good mood this also behavior was very uncharacteristic of him. Rather than fight that may easily have happened, I calmly stood my ground and refused to become defensive. I suggested that, if he wanted to start visiting the gym more regularly at the same time, we’re able to sit down and check out the schedule and arrive, on the other hand wasn’t gonna feel sick about looking after myself. While not immediately mollified, my husband was able to acknowledge his own issues about my doing something he wanted at the same time.

How you behave facing not receiving on your path could be the critical issue here. Does one become a adult who recognizes that things don’t always satisfy your expectations? Or does one become a kid and fight your partner until they cry, “Uncle”? If your partner has ever called you controlling, you may want to keep an eye on at just how you react.

Here are some questions worth taking into consideration:

What’s initially my reaction when my partner does something I don’t want the crooks to do?
What exactly are my deeper feelings about my partner’s activities or behaviors?
What’s my expectation with what my partner “should” do?
Will I have a parent role and forbid my partner from participating in an activity?
Will I become a kid and whine, cry or pout?
Will I punish my partner with extreme anger or silent treatment?
How has my partner said believe that about my behavior?
Is this generate income want my partner to feel about me?

It’s not easy to create the adjustment to incorporate your partner, out of the box, in your lifetime. I realize its the largest hurdle a couple of has to clear. Each of you needs arrive at the table as equals and negotiate to the relationship you want to have. This consists of holding on to the exactly what you need to be you and also letting go of those that just cause you to feel comfortable. Both you’ll need to be adults and realize everything will not become your way constantly. They are called growing pains.

Have you been the appeaser or dominator within your relationship? How do you feel following a disagreement along with your partner? How’s that impacting all those feelings about your partner plus your marriage?

Questions about establishing a happier marriage? One of our marriage counseling services can help. See more of Lesli Doares’ inspiring blog articles about marriage and family life. Visit us at http://www.balancedfamily.com/ for more information and queries.

One question I get all the time is “Can people really change?” I couldn’t do what I do for a living if I didn’t believe change was possible. The limiting factors are: 1) the reasons change is being considered; and 2) is the pain of not changing greater than the fear of doing something different.

You’ll find real parameters that impact somebody’s capability to change. Asking your partner to improve their personality or that they process information puts these questions bind. Asking them to change their behavior can be a reasonable request. The key is knowing the real difference.

Even a change in behavior that you or your partner agrees to is probably not very easy to accomplish. That&rsquos because ofhabit. You develop habits simply because they permit you to function and stay inside your safe place. Doing something different, by definition,means you’re stepping beyond that zone. How long out will probably impact how successful you’re at making that change.

Finding out how habits jobs are what can enable you to change. If you can to be with an all new behavior until it might be a habit, the alteration has a high probability of sticking. Think of changing a behavior just like a marathon, not only a sprint. It’s planning to take time and effort. However, don’t think you’re going to get up one morning and run 26.2 miles should you’ve been sitting on the couch during the last 5 years. You need to train. The length of time which takes is determined by your location now and where you wish to wind up. Taking small steps initially, then doing more while you master the first sort step, is the way you build to successful change. It is also vital that you only accept changes you want to produce. Your partner can ask, but if you can&rsquot embrace that change, you will never help it become enough where that change becomes a habit.If you want things to stand out inside your relationship, you have the power to reach that goal.

It merely requires altering your habits.

Fearless Marriage Activities to hold Love Alive:

Day One: Identify one change you would like to see inside your relationship.
Day Two: Identify your habits that keep that consist of happening.
Day Three: Identify one small change you can create to advance you toward your goal.
Day Four: Make one different action inside your routine to advertise that change.
Day Five: Evaluate how hard it was to produce that change.
Day Six: Adjust your behavior to produce that change more likely.
Day Seven: Identify next action you’ll be able to take to make change a new habit.

Questions about establishing a happier marriage? One of our marriage counseling services can help. See more of Lesli Doares’ inspiring blog articles about  marriage and family life. Visit us at http://www.balancedfamily.com/ for more information and queries.

Recently, I’ve had a couple of clients who are really struggling in their marriages given that they have mislaid who they may be.  Neither one had productive strategies to working with the strength of their partners’ requirements, in order that they found it simpler to cave in.  This only worked in the short term.

A lot is involved with this complete notion of separate vs. together, dependent vs. independent, individual vs. couple that generally seems to define marriage.  While I’m a big proponent of working together and putting the fitness of their bond first, I would not subscribe to a person being subsumed by “the marriage blob”.

By far the very first couples I ever dealt with are an excellent example of what I’m talking about.  Matt arrived and threw himself recorded on my big blue sofa.  He forcefully stated, “Basically do what my spouse wants, she wins.”  My first thought would have been a flippant, “You don’t want a cheerful wife?”  My next, more therapeutic, thought was, “You’ve just set this as a tournament and will never work.”  I could tell he would definitely resist the natural, and needed, technique of becoming interdependent.

Unfortunately, my recent clients’ experiences will be the exact complete opposite of Matt’s.  They tended toward the absorption end of the spectrum.  They have gone much into the joy of dependence looking to appease their partners’ unfair requirements.  As we learned in Wwii, peace at any cost is ineffective.

Marriage success requires knowing when it’s possible to bend and knowing when to stand your ground.  If there is a constant push back up against the pressure to adapt for your partner’s thought processes in addition to their expectations, you may eventually break.  As I’ve said before, you shouldn’t have to discontinue yourself to be happily married.  In fact, if you do, you will in all probability be unhappy.

It also isn’t important to see these manuevers like a conflict or possibly a fight.  You plus your partner have an impression about how exactly you want your marriage to get.  Neither is appropriate.  Neither is wrong.  If you want to become successful, the pair of you must merge the above positions into one you both can hold.  This isn’t feasible in case you throw in the towel being whom you are.  That is just not assimilation.  It’s a surrender that may result in anger and resentment.

Besides, if your partner truly loves you, they don’t really would like you to discontinue being you.  Yes, they could push you towards it.  They might try and cajole, guilt trip, or pout you involved with it.  They may also don’t know that is what they do.  They are just trying to find what to be comfy for them.  Ultimately, are you going to about how exactly you respond.

Being clear about where you can accommodate for your partner’s requests and where you will stand your ground is crucial should you be to engage in a cheerful marriage.  Fighting on your to exist is not needed.  When you accept it as being a birth right, then define and lovingly enforce boundaries to shield that right, there will be no should defend it.  It will simply be described as a statement of fact.

It is usually fair to listen to your partner’s requests and find out where you can accommodate them.  Love means tallying as often that you can.

However, it is rarely okay to get bullied into being someone you aren’t.  Stepping into yourself and claiming your to exist is also loving behavior.

Soul mates honors both the individual along with the relationship. Normally the one cannot exist with no other.  They are, in short, interdependent.

Have you given up section of yourself to be in a partnership?  How does that choice leave you feeling? What would permit you to reclaim that section of yourself?  What is the ultimate cost if you don’t?

Questions about establishing a happier marriage? One of our marriage counseling services can help. See more of Lesli Doares’ inspiring blog articles about  marriage and family life. Visit us at http://www.balancedfamily.com/ for more information and queries.

I didn’t really even want to show up for that appointment.  I knew it wasn’t going to go well.  You see, my job is to save marriages.  To borrow a phrase from a colleague, I am “psychotically optimistic” about improving any marriage.  Today, one fell through the cracks.

I’m often asked by potential clients what my success rate is for saving marriages.  For the ones where my clients want the marriage and are willing to put their hearts into it, the success rate is about 100 %.  For the ones where there is too much hurt and anger to really tackle the work, it’s about 0 %.  If I can get the clients to hang in for  just a bit as they try some new things, positive change starts to occur and the rate goes up.

After ten years of this work, I’ve learned I am only one part of the puzzle. There have been couples who have succeeded against enormous odds and couples who fell by the wayside.  Each one important and memorable.  As a therapist, I was taught I should be emotionally neutral, not get invested in the success or failure of the relationship.  It’s not a lesson I was able to master but I am usually able to keep my emotions in check.  Not today.

I can’t tell you what was different about this couple.  In fact, I barely knew them–they had only been coming to therapy about a month.  They were an engaging couple with two young children, one in elementary school and the other still in diapers.  No major traumas or severe difficulties had occurred in their lives.  They both had loving, supportive families.  Yet, the marriage was ending.  I’d been here before; too many times for my liking.  I always get sad, but this time I cried.  Not just eyes welling up, but actual tears running down my cheeks.

Maybe it’s the sense of waste.  I hate waste of any kind, but I really hate waste that could be avoided.  The kind of waste that causes real pain to real people.  Two young capable people were embarking on a course of action that would send them and their children through the muck and pain of divorce.  It all seems so unnecessary.  Not the pain my clients are feeling, but the idea that divorce is the only way to end that pain.

Unfortunately, this couple, like many, waited too long to get help.  There were symptoms of trouble along the way, but neither took action.  They continued to act as if nothing was wrong and time would simply resolve any unpleasant issue.  The only thing that results from time passing is we get older, not necessarily wiser or happier.

We have to learn to walk, talk, read,drive a car, play an instrument or a sport, etc.  We believe that if we learn to do our jobs well we will be rewarded with raises and promotions.  Somehow, though, we think that healthy, successful relationships come naturally.  Like physics, there are rules to relationships.  There are people willing to teach those rules to anyone who is interested.  The information is out there to be revealed.

Sharing my clients pain and hopelessness sometimes leaves me feeling like Don Quixote tilting at windmills.  I know it doesn’t always turn out this way.  Just for today, I cried.

John Edwards first came to my attention when the Raleigh News and Observer did an in-depth profile of a lawsuit he won on behalf of a young girl permanently disabled by a defective swimming pool drain/filter.  I next heard about him when his teenage son Wade was killed in a car accident and he and Elizabeth set up a foundation and computer center in his memory.  I had the opportunity to meet and speak with John Edwards at a campaign event when he ran for the U.S. Senate.  I never had the privilege to meet Elizabeth, except through her media events and public appearances. By all accounts she was a woman of warmth, generosity, and class.

I remember seeing pictures and video footage of John and Elizabeth together.  Their love for each other was visible.  I used their ritual of celebrating their wedding anniversary at Wendy’s as an example to my clients of how to stay connected through the years and keep their marriages strong.  Unfortunately, choices made at critical times in their relationship set the stage for what happened later.

The birth of a child puts a tremendous strain on a marriage.  The death of one frequently deals the relationship a fatal blow.  It is a testament to the strength of the Edwards’ marriage that it took so many years for it to finally succumb to that initial tragedy.

Marriage is always a delicate balancing act between the needs of the individual and the needs of the relationship.  Grieving the loss of a child puts pressure on that balance like nothing else.  With other deaths, one person is usually more affected than the other-it is one partner’s parent, friend, colleague, etc.  But with a child, each person is equally affected.  Each person is grieving in their own way.  Each is also intensely aware of their spouse’s pain.  How this mine field of mutual pain and grieving is handled will determine the survival of the relationship.

It is well documented that their son’s death paralyzed both John and Elizabeth for at least six months.  A frequent, and accurate, recommendation after the death of a close loved one is to make no major life changes for at least a year.  Wade died in April, 1996.  Their daughter, Emma Claire, was born in April, 1998.  Figure in forty weeks for the pregnancy and the fact that help was needed for conception, the decision to have another child had to have been made during this year period.

I do not believe the Edwards’ had their daughter to replace their son.  Every parent can tell you that no child can be “replaced”.  But to discount the idea that Wade’s death had nothing to do with their decision to have another child is not credible. The fact they hadn’t had more children in the fourteen years since their daughter Cate was born lends credence to the connection.  Their choice was most likely a decision to bring happiness in to temper their pain.  On the surface this may not seem a harmful choice, but the hormone shots Elizabeth took to conceive both the younger children, and the attention required by their infancies, impacted the relationship.  John’s entry into politics, and the time required to campaign across the state and then the nation, also added distance to the marriage.  All this while still grieving the loss of their son.

The final nail in the marriage was undoubtedly the cancer diagnosis Elizabeth received.  The focus on her treatment meant the rightful emphasis on her physical needs.  An unfortunate side effect of this focus was the loss of attention to the relationship.  It also raised the ugly fear of death.  People don’t always respond to fear in productive ways.  The Edwards’ once strong marriage, weakened by events not of their choosing and by choices with unforseen consequences, became vulnerable to the temptation Rielle Hunter presented.

Should John Edwards have resisted this temptation?  Of course.  Could he resist?  Obviously, he didn’t.  It’s easy to stand outside and judge.  It’s easy to say what you would do in those circumstances.  But until we are tested, we really don’t know.  As I said, infidelity is often complicated.

Elizabeth Edwards wrote, “the days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered.  We know that.  And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren’t able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like.  It’s called being human.”  The love she and John shared was real and, I believe, lasted until the very end.  It just got battered by life’s events and the choices made in trying to cope with those events.  They were both human.

The legacy I believe Elizabeth Edwards would want to leave is for us is to focus on the entirety of her life and her love, not just one very difficult episode.  It is also important to remember to take the time to protect our marriages.  It is too easy for them to become vulnerable, even the strongest ones.

In the same 12 month period, I have had two clients admitting to affairs with old flames.  So does this mean Pastor Miller was right, that Facebook is ruining marriages?  My unequivocal response is No!  Facebook is just one method people are using to engage in extramarital behavior–it’s not the madness driving them to it.

Pastor Miller said he’s done counseling with couples with marital problems due to one partner having inappropriate relations with an old friend found on Facebook.  That’s great.  What’s he going to do about the people having inappropriate relations with co-workers, coaches of their kid’s soccer team, people they meet in bars during “Girl’s” or “Guy’s” night out?

Let’s face it.  Temptation is everywhere.  Commitment is not.  It is completely unrealistic to think that, just because we’re married, we will never find a person other than our partner attractive.  It is the level of commitment to that marriage that determines how we respond to that attraction.  There are many reasons one might give in to the temptation, but, for a person of integrity, it’s never a good choice.

So let’s stop placing blame on a particular means of indulging our temptations.  What we need to focus on is the madness of giving in to them in the first place.

I want to let you in on a special event where you can discover how to Never Fight with Your Partner Again. It’s an on-line event where you can get practical information and ask specific questions about ending the arguing.

Join me on Tuesday, November 30, 2010 from 7-8 pm ET and learn the simple strategy that will stop the fights and restore harmony to your relationship. For more information, and to register for this free event, go to: http://neverfightagain.eventbrite.com/

In reading Parade Magazine this week, I came across research that both men and women need to know about now.  The brains of men under stress react differently than women’s brains in the same circumstances.  When agitated, men’s ability for social understanding diminishes.  This is especially true if confronted with an angry face.

Women’s brains, on the other hand, become more coordinated under stress.  They are more likely to empathize with someone who is highly emotional than turn away.  According to researcher Mara Mather of the University of Southern California, this is probably a function of hormones.

Women, the historical caretakers, need to stay present in the face of high emotion.  The safety and well being of their children require it.  Men, on the other hand, may need to tune out the high emotions of others to remain in the “tribe”.  They can’t go responding to challenges from others at the drop of a hat.

Because your partner is handling the stress of an argument differently doesn’t mean it’s the “wrong” way.  It just means his wiring is different.  If you want to have a successful outcome, you need to understand what doesn’t work.  Understanding that the more emotional you get, the more distant he becomes is valuable information.

Now that you know, you can try something different.  Go for it!

First, you have to be completely honest with yourself about whether you size up every man you meet as a possible mate.  You also need to be clear about whether you are feeling pressure to be “in a relationship”.  When everyone around you seems to be part of a couple, this pressure can be very real.  You also may hear it from well-meaning relatives when you go home for the holidays.  And besides, being part of a committed pairing yourself one day may be a goal.

The Mistake happens when you stop paying attention to what is important to you and what makes you feel good.  You make the decision to sacrifice “you” to be in “a relationship”.  When you start down this path, you will minimize and make light of red flags your partner is waving like a cape in front of a bull.  You adopt the mantra that once you’re married, it will all work out because your partner will come around.  Let’s be real.  You don’t have enough love for the two of you to pull this off and you shouldn’t have to.

Unfortunately, we women are a stubborn bunch.  Because we are the caretakers of relationships, we think we know how they should work and can will them to be successful by sheer force.  We tell ourselves that once we have children or the stress from his job eases, or any of the multitudinous bargains we make will just occur, everything will be all right.  This won’t happen if the underlying foundation of the relationship is out of balance.  We can’t maintain that balance if we are dealing parts of ourselves away.

The key to avoiding the Big Mistake is to take the time to identify what you need and want from a relationship and then put your potential partner to the test while dating.  Don’t start planning your future until you have figured out just who is sitting in front of you.  The real person, not the one you think or hope he is.  Pay attention to how you are treated; how your interests are respected.

To use a poker expression, don’t go all in on a relationship until you have a pretty good understanding of what cards are on the table.  Make sure he really is, and will stay, your Prince Charming.  You, your partner, and your relationship deserve that.

Part of this lagtime for men is due to their slowly becoming aware of the benefits to them that an exclusive relationship can provide.  But what they may be seeing is the woman fitting her behavior around his needs, not a real reflection of a relationship based on mutual respect and caring.

In trying to make the relationship successful, women make choices that are against their long-term self-interest.  Moving in together before their is a clearly stated level of commitment is one example.  I’m not sure that being “friends with benefits” is not another.  College age women admit sleeping with guys they know their friends have slept with in hopes that they will be the one to be “the girlfriend”.

I keep hearing my mother’s voice saying, “Why should he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?”  It’s truly not a problem if the woman isn’t anymore committed than he is, but that isn’t what the research shows.  Women often move in with a man in the hopes that it would lead to something more serious.  To continue with the farm analogies, that’s putting the cart before the horse.

One of the worst outcomes of a woman not honoring her own needs, and maybe one that is not well-known, is that a man loses respect for her.  Men like the challenge of the chase.  They like a bit of mystery and excitement in their lives.   When a woman makes it too easy, a man can get bored and look for that challenge in ways that damage the relationship.  Women often then make the mistake of trying to be more accommodating and pleasing.  This creates less commitment, not more, on the man’s part.

Men are right when they say their partner isn’t the woman he fell in love with.  She has changed into someone neither recognizes anymore.  One, or both, feel a bait and switch has occurred and the relationship becomes vulnerable to failure.

The question becomes what do you do now?  Do you walk away or do you work to change the problematic pattern?  Better yet, how do you avoid this trap in the first place?   If you want to be more than a “girlfriend”, finding these answers will be key.