I didn’t really even want to show up for that appointment.  I knew it wasn’t going to go well.  You see, my job is to save marriages.  To borrow a phrase from a colleague, I am “psychotically optimistic” about improving any marriage.  Today, one fell through the cracks.

I’m often asked by potential clients what my success rate is for saving marriages.  For the ones where my clients want the marriage and are willing to put their hearts into it, the success rate is about 100 %.  For the ones where there is too much hurt and anger to really tackle the work, it’s about 0 %.  If I can get the clients to hang in for  just a bit as they try some new things, positive change starts to occur and the rate goes up.

After ten years of this work, I’ve learned I am only one part of the puzzle. There have been couples who have succeeded against enormous odds and couples who fell by the wayside.  Each one important and memorable.  As a therapist, I was taught I should be emotionally neutral, not get invested in the success or failure of the relationship.  It’s not a lesson I was able to master but I am usually able to keep my emotions in check.  Not today.

I can’t tell you what was different about this couple.  In fact, I barely knew them–they had only been coming to therapy about a month.  They were an engaging couple with two young children, one in elementary school and the other still in diapers.  No major traumas or severe difficulties had occurred in their lives.  They both had loving, supportive families.  Yet, the marriage was ending.  I’d been here before; too many times for my liking.  I always get sad, but this time I cried.  Not just eyes welling up, but actual tears running down my cheeks.

Maybe it’s the sense of waste.  I hate waste of any kind, but I really hate waste that could be avoided.  The kind of waste that causes real pain to real people.  Two young capable people were embarking on a course of action that would send them and their children through the muck and pain of divorce.  It all seems so unnecessary.  Not the pain my clients are feeling, but the idea that divorce is the only way to end that pain.

Unfortunately, this couple, like many, waited too long to get help.  There were symptoms of trouble along the way, but neither took action.  They continued to act as if nothing was wrong and time would simply resolve any unpleasant issue.  The only thing that results from time passing is we get older, not necessarily wiser or happier.

We have to learn to walk, talk, read,drive a car, play an instrument or a sport, etc.  We believe that if we learn to do our jobs well we will be rewarded with raises and promotions.  Somehow, though, we think that healthy, successful relationships come naturally.  Like physics, there are rules to relationships.  There are people willing to teach those rules to anyone who is interested.  The information is out there to be revealed.

Sharing my clients pain and hopelessness sometimes leaves me feeling like Don Quixote tilting at windmills.  I know it doesn’t always turn out this way.  Just for today, I cried.

John Edwards first came to my attention when the Raleigh News and Observer did an in-depth profile of a lawsuit he won on behalf of a young girl permanently disabled by a defective swimming pool drain/filter.  I next heard about him when his teenage son Wade was killed in a car accident and he and Elizabeth set up a foundation and computer center in his memory.  I had the opportunity to meet and speak with John Edwards at a campaign event when he ran for the U.S. Senate.  I never had the privilege to meet Elizabeth, except through her media events and public appearances. By all accounts she was a woman of warmth, generosity, and class.

I remember seeing pictures and video footage of John and Elizabeth together.  Their love for each other was visible.  I used their ritual of celebrating their wedding anniversary at Wendy’s as an example to my clients of how to stay connected through the years and keep their marriages strong.  Unfortunately, choices made at critical times in their relationship set the stage for what happened later.

The birth of a child puts a tremendous strain on a marriage.  The death of one frequently deals the relationship a fatal blow.  It is a testament to the strength of the Edwards’ marriage that it took so many years for it to finally succumb to that initial tragedy.

Marriage is always a delicate balancing act between the needs of the individual and the needs of the relationship.  Grieving the loss of a child puts pressure on that balance like nothing else.  With other deaths, one person is usually more affected than the other-it is one partner’s parent, friend, colleague, etc.  But with a child, each person is equally affected.  Each person is grieving in their own way.  Each is also intensely aware of their spouse’s pain.  How this mine field of mutual pain and grieving is handled will determine the survival of the relationship.

It is well documented that their son’s death paralyzed both John and Elizabeth for at least six months.  A frequent, and accurate, recommendation after the death of a close loved one is to make no major life changes for at least a year.  Wade died in April, 1996.  Their daughter, Emma Claire, was born in April, 1998.  Figure in forty weeks for the pregnancy and the fact that help was needed for conception, the decision to have another child had to have been made during this year period.

I do not believe the Edwards’ had their daughter to replace their son.  Every parent can tell you that no child can be “replaced”.  But to discount the idea that Wade’s death had nothing to do with their decision to have another child is not credible. The fact they hadn’t had more children in the fourteen years since their daughter Cate was born lends credence to the connection.  Their choice was most likely a decision to bring happiness in to temper their pain.  On the surface this may not seem a harmful choice, but the hormone shots Elizabeth took to conceive both the younger children, and the attention required by their infancies, impacted the relationship.  John’s entry into politics, and the time required to campaign across the state and then the nation, also added distance to the marriage.  All this while still grieving the loss of their son.

The final nail in the marriage was undoubtedly the cancer diagnosis Elizabeth received.  The focus on her treatment meant the rightful emphasis on her physical needs.  An unfortunate side effect of this focus was the loss of attention to the relationship.  It also raised the ugly fear of death.  People don’t always respond to fear in productive ways.  The Edwards’ once strong marriage, weakened by events not of their choosing and by choices with unforseen consequences, became vulnerable to the temptation Rielle Hunter presented.

Should John Edwards have resisted this temptation?  Of course.  Could he resist?  Obviously, he didn’t.  It’s easy to stand outside and judge.  It’s easy to say what you would do in those circumstances.  But until we are tested, we really don’t know.  As I said, infidelity is often complicated.

Elizabeth Edwards wrote, “the days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered.  We know that.  And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren’t able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like.  It’s called being human.”  The love she and John shared was real and, I believe, lasted until the very end.  It just got battered by life’s events and the choices made in trying to cope with those events.  They were both human.

The legacy I believe Elizabeth Edwards would want to leave is for us is to focus on the entirety of her life and her love, not just one very difficult episode.  It is also important to remember to take the time to protect our marriages.  It is too easy for them to become vulnerable, even the strongest ones.

In the same 12 month period, I have had two clients admitting to affairs with old flames.  So does this mean Pastor Miller was right, that Facebook is ruining marriages?  My unequivocal response is No!  Facebook is just one method people are using to engage in extramarital behavior–it’s not the madness driving them to it.

Pastor Miller said he’s done counseling with couples with marital problems due to one partner having inappropriate relations with an old friend found on Facebook.  That’s great.  What’s he going to do about the people having inappropriate relations with co-workers, coaches of their kid’s soccer team, people they meet in bars during “Girl’s” or “Guy’s” night out?

Let’s face it.  Temptation is everywhere.  Commitment is not.  It is completely unrealistic to think that, just because we’re married, we will never find a person other than our partner attractive.  It is the level of commitment to that marriage that determines how we respond to that attraction.  There are many reasons one might give in to the temptation, but, for a person of integrity, it’s never a good choice.

So let’s stop placing blame on a particular means of indulging our temptations.  What we need to focus on is the madness of giving in to them in the first place.

I want to let you in on a special event where you can discover how to Never Fight with Your Partner Again. It’s an on-line event where you can get practical information and ask specific questions about ending the arguing.

Join me on Tuesday, November 30, 2010 from 7-8 pm ET and learn the simple strategy that will stop the fights and restore harmony to your relationship. For more information, and to register for this free event, go to: http://neverfightagain.eventbrite.com/

In reading Parade Magazine this week, I came across research that both men and women need to know about now.  The brains of men under stress react differently than women’s brains in the same circumstances.  When agitated, men’s ability for social understanding diminishes.  This is especially true if confronted with an angry face.

Women’s brains, on the other hand, become more coordinated under stress.  They are more likely to empathize with someone who is highly emotional than turn away.  According to researcher Mara Mather of the University of Southern California, this is probably a function of hormones.

Women, the historical caretakers, need to stay present in the face of high emotion.  The safety and well being of their children require it.  Men, on the other hand, may need to tune out the high emotions of others to remain in the “tribe”.  They can’t go responding to challenges from others at the drop of a hat.

Because your partner is handling the stress of an argument differently doesn’t mean it’s the “wrong” way.  It just means his wiring is different.  If you want to have a successful outcome, you need to understand what doesn’t work.  Understanding that the more emotional you get, the more distant he becomes is valuable information.

Now that you know, you can try something different.  Go for it!

First, you have to be completely honest with yourself about whether you size up every man you meet as a possible mate.  You also need to be clear about whether you are feeling pressure to be “in a relationship”.  When everyone around you seems to be part of a couple, this pressure can be very real.  You also may hear it from well-meaning relatives when you go home for the holidays.  And besides, being part of a committed pairing yourself one day may be a goal.

The Mistake happens when you stop paying attention to what is important to you and what makes you feel good.  You make the decision to sacrifice “you” to be in “a relationship”.  When you start down this path, you will minimize and make light of red flags your partner is waving like a cape in front of a bull.  You adopt the mantra that once you’re married, it will all work out because your partner will come around.  Let’s be real.  You don’t have enough love for the two of you to pull this off and you shouldn’t have to.

Unfortunately, we women are a stubborn bunch.  Because we are the caretakers of relationships, we think we know how they should work and can will them to be successful by sheer force.  We tell ourselves that once we have children or the stress from his job eases, or any of the multitudinous bargains we make will just occur, everything will be all right.  This won’t happen if the underlying foundation of the relationship is out of balance.  We can’t maintain that balance if we are dealing parts of ourselves away.

The key to avoiding the Big Mistake is to take the time to identify what you need and want from a relationship and then put your potential partner to the test while dating.  Don’t start planning your future until you have figured out just who is sitting in front of you.  The real person, not the one you think or hope he is.  Pay attention to how you are treated; how your interests are respected.

To use a poker expression, don’t go all in on a relationship until you have a pretty good understanding of what cards are on the table.  Make sure he really is, and will stay, your Prince Charming.  You, your partner, and your relationship deserve that.

Part of this lagtime for men is due to their slowly becoming aware of the benefits to them that an exclusive relationship can provide.  But what they may be seeing is the woman fitting her behavior around his needs, not a real reflection of a relationship based on mutual respect and caring.

In trying to make the relationship successful, women make choices that are against their long-term self-interest.  Moving in together before their is a clearly stated level of commitment is one example.  I’m not sure that being “friends with benefits” is not another.  College age women admit sleeping with guys they know their friends have slept with in hopes that they will be the one to be “the girlfriend”.

I keep hearing my mother’s voice saying, “Why should he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?”  It’s truly not a problem if the woman isn’t anymore committed than he is, but that isn’t what the research shows.  Women often move in with a man in the hopes that it would lead to something more serious.  To continue with the farm analogies, that’s putting the cart before the horse.

One of the worst outcomes of a woman not honoring her own needs, and maybe one that is not well-known, is that a man loses respect for her.  Men like the challenge of the chase.  They like a bit of mystery and excitement in their lives.   When a woman makes it too easy, a man can get bored and look for that challenge in ways that damage the relationship.  Women often then make the mistake of trying to be more accommodating and pleasing.  This creates less commitment, not more, on the man’s part.

Men are right when they say their partner isn’t the woman he fell in love with.  She has changed into someone neither recognizes anymore.  One, or both, feel a bait and switch has occurred and the relationship becomes vulnerable to failure.

The question becomes what do you do now?  Do you walk away or do you work to change the problematic pattern?  Better yet, how do you avoid this trap in the first place?   If you want to be more than a “girlfriend”, finding these answers will be key.

The single biggest mistake women make in their quest for lifelong love is to commit to a relationship too quickly.  Like me and my grade school friends, women start creating their happily ever after during that first flirtatious encounter with a man (boy).  They begin wondering where the relationship is headed after the third date.  It’s like they have their life play already written and are just looking to fill the role of the leading man.

This ritual is exemplified by a tradition at a local women’s college.  At this institution of higher learning, a young woman is expected to get her class ring at the end of her junior year and her diamond ring in her senior year.  Whoever she is dating becomes the “one”, other aspects of the relationship notwithstanding.

In trying to create a successful relationship out of whole cloth, and reinforce their decision to commit so quickly, women then start altering their behavior in the hopes of getting a reciprocal commitment from their partner.  This involves putting aside their interests and likes in favor of his.  Even if they offer a suggestion of something they want to do, they will abandon it if he isn’t interested.  They get more invested in the relationship without requiring a commensurate commitment from their partner.

Starting down this path of abandoning their own legitimate needs and desires sets in place a pattern of interaction that is difficult for women to retreat from.  This often leads to what a friend called the F*** You Forties when the kids have left home and women get tired of coming last.  The pendulum then swings in the opposite direction and it becomes all about them.  Their partners become confused because they never knew their wives were choosing to do things they didn’t really want to do.

Making a relationship all about you is as problematic as making it all about him.  The long-term costs of this original capitulation and subsequent reversal is usually a function of resentment for the woman.  It ultimately results in the end of the relationship–not the romantic outcome envisioned in the beginning.

What my daughter, and many other women, don’t get is this relationship advice is a recipe for disaster.  Men don’t play those kind of games.  Men are much more literal and they will believe what you say.

If they ask you where you want to eat or what movie you want to see and you say you don’t know or care, you will always eat at their favorite restaurants and see their type of movie.  If you say you don’t want anything special done for your birthday, that’s what will happen.  They are going to take you at your word and be completely bewildered when you get upset because they didn’t do the opposite.

Like the advice my daughter found on Facebook,  you might be tempted to say that all your girlfriends would know what you mean and, if your guy really loves you, he will too.  But he doesn’t speak “gal pal”.  He has a Y chromosome and it doesn’t occur to him not to say what he thinks.  (Unless he says he’ll call, but that’s another post for another time.)

Men aren’t mind readers and they don’t want to be.  It’s too much work and they have other things to do.  Making them read between the lines and figure out what you really want makes you high maintenance.  Men have no problem asking for what they want.  They will respect you more if you do too.

Learn how to say what you mean and mean what you say.   Save the game playing for the tennis court where you both know the rules.  You’ll both be happier in the long run.  (And then you won’t need advice from Facebook.)

This got me thinking about what is meant by a duet and how it relates to the idea of a relationship in today’s world.  The duets I grew up with (in the Dark Ages by the way) were Diana Ross and Lionel Richie on “Endless Love”, Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton on “Island in the Stream”, and anything by Tony Bennett and k. d. lang.  These songs intermingled the two parts in such a way that you couldn’t have one without the other.  Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg don’t even sound like they’re performing the same song.

I also recently saw the video for Jennifer Lopez’s new song where LL Cool J makes a “guest appearance”.  Made me think of the increasingly common “friends with benefits” practice.  It’s all about doing your own thing with no commitment to any one else.

Relationships, by definition, involve the interactions between two people.  If those people barely connect, like Katy and Snoop Dogg, how do you develop a relationship?  If everyone is focused on their own needs and desires, how do love, empathy, and compassion develop?

Human beings are meant to live in community, not in isolation.  That doesn’t seem to be the road we are heading down.  Still, about 90% of people say they want to be married.  “Duets” where the performers don’t interact; relationships that aren’t, concern me.  At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy-duddy, where is all this leading?

As a relationship specialist, I wonder if this means I will be out of a job or that I will be guaranteed one for a long time.